Trusting the Process: Finding your way through Unexplained Infertility by Laura Sirkovsky-Kauffman
I never wanted kids. I want to stress that. I was an academic; my goals were in place. I would go on to get my PhD in Ancient History and then I would find a job teaching at a University (where there is no time for children).
This was not to say that I did not love children, I did, but, for other people. I was in a long-distance relationship with my now husband in the midst of my academic career, I had no time to even think about children.
One year after we were married, my life path changed. I decided that a life devoted to academic rigor, constant pressure to publish, do research, and compromise on family time was not a life that I wanted. It was as if a lightning bolt struck me.
One morning, I awoke consumed with the thought “I need to be pregnant, and I need to be pregnant now”. As I had never experienced this sensation before, I was absolutely terrified but it was exhilarating. “I want to be a mom!” I thought as I ran down the stairs to tell my husband. “LET’S GET ME PREGNANT RIGHT NOW” I said much to his laughter and delight. We talked it over and decided that it would be wise to start trying in a couple of months, on our delayed honeymoon.
I set up an appointment with my OB and made sure she felt I was ready for pregnancy. I was young, in good health, and was told I was a prime candidate. “You should monitor your ovulation cycle to best see when you are ovulating and take your prenatal vitamins,” my OB told me. I did what she said and was on my way. I went home, I made a video of myself talking to my future child saying that I had been examined that day, I was ready for them, we were ready for them. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have made that video. I would not have gone in with expectations.
Like many people of my generation, I was enamored with the film Mean Girls when it came out. The scene in which the gym teacher says if you have sex you will get pregnant always gets laughs. The reality is that this is not always the case. Unexplained infertility is something that many couples deal with yet seldom speak about. There has been a longstanding stigma placed upon women throughout history that if there is a struggle to conceive that it is one of the following things:
1) It is the fault of the woman
2) Women are typically doing something wrong to prevent themselves from conceiving
It is only in recent years that medicine has started to look at the other half of heterosexual couples in cases of infertility. Before we dive into this, let’s go back.
The first several months that we tried to conceive I was struggling to find when I ovulate. It was a newsflash to me but we do not all ovulate at the same time. I went through ovulation sticks, the thermometer, and nothing. I was consumed with the fear and sadness that I was not able to ovulate, however, I discovered the wonderful Clear Blue Ovulation strips and found out that I could. I was elated. One box checked, Turns out, I ovulate much later in my cycle. However, I can ovulate, so, that is a win! “Maybe Mean Girls is right”, I thought, “Now that I know, we will just have sex at the right time and it will all come together”.
Months 6-12 we were on course, I knew I was ovulating and we were still within the statistical norm of conception. Most couples conceive within 6 – 12 months of trying. However, when we broached our 12th month, I revisited my doctor who explained that we should see a specialist.
My life was not turning out to be what I had pictured. I was not an academic but rather a 6th grade history teacher. I wasn’t seemingly able to get pregnant. I kept thinking that maybe this was my karma for not wanting to have children initially, and that if I had been a wife of Henry VIII that he definitely would have found a reason to have me beheaded. In addition to this, I was surrounded by pregnancy. Two of my close coworkers, my neighbor, and two of our best friends became pregnant. I cried and cried and asked my mother if there was some sort of fertility water that the rest of the world knew about except for me. After consoling myself with cat cuddles, T.V., and white cheddar popcorn, we made our appointment with the fertility specialist.
“Good news.” She said as she entered her office. She confirmed that my husband was not the problem. “Sperm count is great, in fact, it is 20 million above the average.” I smiled at my husband while suppressing my sadness at the notion that I was the reason that we were unable to have a baby. “Your tests all look good, too!” she said with a smile. I looked up at her with a look of sheer confusion, “then why have I not become pregnant, even once? Our timing is good. Clearly, our bodies are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Why have I not had a baby yet?” I asked desperately. “You have something we call “Unexplained infertility”. I am sure that if eyes could roll out of your head, mine would have in this precise moment. “How is that even a thing?” I said. “Everything medically, typically, YOU WOULD THINK, has an explanation. How can it be UNEXPLAINED when all of our tests are great?” She smiled at me, “I know it is a difficult thing to hear, but we have options. You can continue to try to get pregnant on your own, or, we can look at the ways in which medicine can intervene, such as IUI or IVF”. I took a look at my husband who looked just heartbroken and sat and listened to our doctor lay it all out to us.
We left the office, despite having received positive news, feeling defeated. Our life was in upheaval. I was in the process of recovering from a traumatic brain injury and had been placed on medication in which I was not allowed to be pregnant- do we ride this out or do we try to get pregnant anyways? Everything is technically fine- but we aren’t conceiving. What do we do?
We took a pregnant pause for 6 months while I was on my medication and I can say that I learned a lot during that break. I want to take a minute to share with you what lessons presented themselves to me during that time, and how they may help you.
1) Every doctor says stress is the enemy of pregnancy. So, what can you do about it? Of course, there is exercise but not everyone is built for running or loves a good workout at the gym. With covid-19 still looming at large, I turned in my gym membership and found solace outside going for walks. Be it for a walk around our neighborhood or on a trail. It allowed me to just be in nature and allow myself some calm and time for myself. Self-love, baby. It’s important.
2) Meditation! This is not easy for everyone but the app InsightTimer was an absolute gem. There are also great relaxing meditations that are guided on Youtube for those of us who have a hard time shutting their brains off.
3) Trying to find joy for your friends and family that do get pregnant. During this time, I had 2 people very close to me give birth and another tell me that they were pregnant. While it stung a little, I am not going to deny that (nor is their shame in that) I found joy in that they were going to be expanding their families and that they would make great parents. Being happy creates oxytocin in your brain, which makes you feel better. Love your friends and in return, you will love yourself.
4) Education! I took this time to educate myself on all of the things I could do. What can I do naturally, what can I do medically? I watched videos, read articles, books (including Zen Mamas – which I absolutely loved and even bought a second copy and gave to a friend who is considering having a second baby). Knowledge is power, and you can never have too much of it. Another book I highly recommend to women is “Taking Charge of your Fertility”. It is incredibly informative and made me feel much more comfortable now that we have resumed trying.
5) The longer it goes without becoming pregnant, the more each month feels like a chore. Try to make it exciting and spice it up. There is a time that you and your partner didn’t worry that having sex would lead to a baby and it was just fun. Try to channel some of that connection back into your relationship and let it roll.
6) “Trust the process”. I am not one who believes that things happen for a reason and that we are given the struggles we are dealt because we possess the tools to cope best with them. However, I have learned to trust the process. Bodies do not all work the same way. We are all different in the way we work, think, function. Knowing and understanding this has been valuable to me and to other women I know.
7) TALK ABOUT IT! This is the last and most important lesson. Initially, I was ashamed that it was taking us so long to conceive when some of our friends conceived within 2-4 months of trying. However, I started just talking to people about our struggles and quickly came to learn that most of the women I spoke to had their own strenuous journeys. There were plenty of losses, rainbow babies, and difficulties with conception. We each have our own story, and it is time that we stop allowing the stigma of infertility to surround them. Each story is unique, beautiful, and deserves to be heard. You will find your people, but you will only find them by talking to them.
I know now that karma isn’t out to get me, that Mean Girls absolutely lied, and that one day I will be a mom. I know that there are ways to cope and ways to deal but most of all I know that I am not alone, and you neither are you.
Laura is a mom to 5 fur babies, a former history teacher, and current baker. Owner of her own gluten-free bakery, Laura loves to experiment with flavors, is a Ravenclaw, and a lover of animals, travel, and new adventures. You can check out her website at www.siftrva.com or on Instagram @siftrva