This past month on Your Zen Mama we have been exploring a topic that resonates on the soul level. As you all know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and we have been exploring the complexity and tragedy of this subject that devastates all too many families around the world to raise awareness and deepen those very needed conversations.

One of the key areas of interest for us is moving the needle when it comes to the stigma and taboo surrounding loss. We have both had our own experiences with pregnancy loss and know the immense grief, heartbreak and loneliness that can ensue. As women, it’s so easy to blame ourselves for so many things when it comes to miscarriage. Even just the word miscarriage broken down - “mis-carry” - implies we have done something poorly. The stigma surrounding loss has long been rooted in both misinformation and the hushed nature of one's experience.

Thankfully, in recent times many more women who fall in the 1 in 4 statistic, have started to open up. It certainly feels less lonely. It’s for this very reason that we decided to dedicate an entire chapter on loss in our Zen Mamas book. We fought to combat the trend in other pregnancy and birth books to gloss over the stark reality of loss, we wanted to be loud and clear in our communication; it can happen and if it does here are some tools and shared stories you can turn to to help you through your journey.

As we know, pregnancy loss is more common than we think and our greatest hope is that if it is something you experience in the future that you are enveloped with love, support, resources and a community of people who help you to feel less alone. It is a path well-trodden and there are so many people here for you.

While the month of October has drawn to a close, we wanted to share a little of each of our personal stories of pregnancy loss, as well as a resource guide for you to come back to whenever you need it and also to continue this important conversation, provide support and community, and keep raising awareness beyond the month of October. Dearest mamas, and papas, please know everyone's journey is unique, individual and their own, first and foremost we want you to know that there is no right or wrong when it comes to this tragic, heartbreaking loss and your grief is your grief, your healing process may look different to others and that is okay. Follow your own path wherever it may lead, be gentle with yourself and know that there is support and community here, whenever you may need it.

All our love, Sarah and Teresa xx

TERESA

"We waited excitedly to see our doctor, but after a couple of minutes of quietly studying the ultrasound on the screen, her face fell. I won’t ever forget that look. In that moment I knew our lives were about to be shattered. “I’m so sorry, Teresa and Mark,” she said. “This isn’t a viable pregnancy.” The words sounded like they were being spoken in slow motion as the room spun. I clung to my toddler and wept into him, loud sobs I couldn’t contain. My husband and I were stunned, unable to understand how or why this had happened.

The first week afterward was the hardest because I was in emotional despair but had to be in mummy mode for Bodhi. About a week later I had to go overseas to shoot a movie, so I didn’t have proper time to deal with my grief.

Instead I just chose to ignore it, stuffing it as far down as possible. I channeled my pain into my work, which served the complex character I was portraying but ultimately didn’t serve the actress behind her. I didn’t allow myself to move through my feelings, and looking back now, I wish I had done so, as they came up to rear their head in many different ways over the next few months. It was a very challenging period for my marriage."

SARAH

"The ocean began my healing process. The day before my procedure I felt very much in limbo. It felt so odd to know my baby didn’t make it but was still inside my body. Every time I tried to get off the couch the weight of my grief was so heavy I just had to lay back down. Eric and the kids spent most of the day outside and at some point Eric suggested I put on my wetsuit and go for a paddle board. I didn’t really want to but they were headed to the beach so I thought I would try.

I paddled along watching the fish under the board and at some point I sat with my feet in the water and sobbed. I cried from my belly in a way I haven’t in a long time and I remember laying my head on the board and tasting the Saltwater on my lips. I was all alone out there crying on the water and took this time to say goodbye to the little one that had spent 8 weeks inside of me. I thanked my body and prayed for healing. I felt as though I shed some grief out there in the ocean that day and I’m grateful for the time I had to be alone and say goodbye."

You can watch Sarah's Pregnancy Loss VLOG here.

RESOURCE GUIDE:
PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS

We have compiled a list of organizations, books, documentaries, podcasts to listen to. We know we're only scratching the surface here and there are so many incredible people and organizations doing incredible things to raise awareness, offer support and provide guidance and community in these areas so please add any you know of in the comments or email us hello@yourzenmama.com and we will add to the list.

WEBSITES / ORGANIZATIONS

SHARE
nationalshare.org

MARCH OF DIMES
marchofdimes.org

INTERNATIONAL STILL BIRTH ALLIANCE
stillbirthalliance.org

SANDS
sands.org.au

MILES APART
milesapart.online

GRIEVING DADS
grievingdads.com

THE MISS FOUNDATION
misschildren.org

STAR LEGACY FOUNDATION
starlegacyfoundation.org

PREGNANCY LOSS AUSTRALIA
pregnancylossaustralia.org.au

RED NOSE GRIEF AND LOSS
rednosegriefandloss.org.au

GRAHAM'S FOUNDATION
grahamsfoundation.org

THE PERINATAL LOSS CENTRE
theperinatallosscentre.com.au

FACES OF LOSS
facesofloss.com

NAOMI'S CIRCLE
naomiscircle.org

MISCARRIAGE ASSOCIATION
miscarriageassociation.org.uk

HAND
handonline.org

THE COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS
compassionatefriends.org

THE ECTOPIC PREGNANCY TRUST
ectopic.org.uk

TOMMYS
tommys.org

BEARS OF HOPE
bearsofhope.org.au

LOSS DOULAS INTERNATIONAL
babylossfamilyadvisors.org

PREGNANCY LOSS SUPPORT PROGRAM
pregnancyloss.org

RACHEL'S GIFT
rachelsgift.org

STILL BIRTHDAY
stillbirthday.com

BOOKS

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

The Miscarriage Map by Dr Sunita Osborn

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L Davis

Miles Apart by Annabel Bower

Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell

Our Stories of Miscarriage: Healing With Words by Rachel Faldet

What God Is Honored Here?: Writings on Miscarriage and Infant Loss by and for Native Women and Women of Color by Shannon Gibney and Kao Kalia Yang, Editors

It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

A Loss Misunderstood by Jaclyn Pieris

Healing A Parent's Grieving Heart by Alan D Wolfelt

About What Was Lost: Twenty Writers on Miscarriage, Healing, and Hope by Jessica Berger Gross

Brokenhearted Hope: Encouraging stories of faithfulness, healing, and hope in the midst of miscarriage and loss by Heather Shipley

Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Tubal Pregnancy by Pam Vredevelt

A Guide For Fathers: When A Baby Dies by Tim Nelson

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

You Are Not Alone: Love Letters From Loss Mom to Loss Mom by Emily R Long

Empty Arms: Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death by Sherokee Ilse

Not Broken: An Approachable Guide to Miscarriage and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss by Lora Shahine

Grieving the Child I Never Knew: A Devotional for Comfort in the Loss of Your Unborn or Newly Born Child by Kathe Wunnenberg

A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family by Ingrid Kohn and Perry-Lynn Moffitt

Saying Goodbye: A personal story of baby loss and 90 days of support to walk you through grief by Zoe Clark- Coates

Unspeakable Losses: Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss by Kim Kluger-Bell

Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Carol Cirulli Lanham

The Unspeakable Loss: How Do You Live After a Child Dies? by Nisha Zenoff

Miscarriage Mom: The Unspoken Realities of Miscarriage and How to Cope by Kristy Parisi

The Voice of an Angel: A Mother's guide to grief and how to thrive after the loss of a child by Marcy Stone

Surviving Miscarriage: —You Are Not Alone by Stacey McLaughlin

Grace Like Scarlett: Grieving with Hope after Miscarriage and Loss by Adriel Booker

Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back by Kelly Farley and David DiCola

Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore

The Brink of Being: Talking About Miscarriage by Julia Bueno

Joy at the End of the Rainbow: A Guide for Pregnancy After a Loss by Amanda Ross-White and Lindsey Henke

Rebirth: The Journey of Pregnancy After a Loss by Joey Miller

Expecting Sunshine: A Journey of Grief, Healing, and Pregnancy after Loss by Alexis Marie Chute

From Three Heartbeats to One: A Gentle Companion Offering Hope in Grieving Pregnancy and Infant Loss by Keisha M. Wells

There Was Supposed to Be a Baby: A Guide to Healing After Pregnancy Loss by Catherine Keating

DOCUMENTARIES

MisUnderstandings of Miscarriage
mumdocumentary.com

Don't Talk About The Baby
donttalkaboutthebaby.com

PODCASTS

The Joyful Mourning

The Fertility Podcast

Sisters in Loss

Held In Our Hearts

Managing Miscarriage

Still A Part Of Us

Preparing for Pregnancy After Loss

Labor Pains: Dealing with infertility and Loss

Rainbow Baby

Life After Miscarriage

Angel Talk

Your Zen Mama Pregnancy and Infant Loss Resource Guide