The Road To Surrogacy by Alison Beder Solway
When I contemplate the beginning of our surrogacy journey, the poignant words of Robert Frost come to mind: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”
During Hannah’s first year, not every day was fairy-tale perfect, but many moments shimmered with a certain magic. Her petite frame housed a wellspring of remarkable strength that revitalized my spirit amid inner turmoil. The gut-wrenching reality of not being able to bear more children weighed on me, yet my daughter’s presence acted as a counterbalance, infusing lightness into my days. From weekly music gatherings with other new mothers to our animated Gymboree classes, we were an inseparable pair.
As for my health, it was average at best. I continued to undergo numerous procedures to mitigate the adverse effects of HHT. Medical interventions became necessary routine pit stops.
A year into our new rhythm, news of second pregnancies among friends and acquaintances started reaching my ears. It was a bittersweet pill to swallow. I had already started to research the labyrinthine world of surrogacy and was coming to grips with its complexity and demands. It felt akin to the first day of training for a marathon, feeling overwhelmed and unsure. Where should I begin? What knowledge am I lacking? Where can I find the information I need?
The well-meaning comments from family members often carried a lingering bite, their intended comfort sometimes feeling like subtle jabs: “Isn’t one healthy baby enough?” or “Many are content with just one.” Yet every reminder to “count my blessings” only deepened the ache and amplified the whispering voice within that I wasn’t whole yet.
As I embarked on this road with limited knowledge, I grasped the fundamental idea: surrogacy involves one woman carrying a baby for another. While today, surrogacy has gained recognition through celebrity stories and advancements in fertility technology, when we began twenty-five years ago, it was shrouded in silence.
There are two main types of surrogacy: traditional and gestational. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate mother is also the biological mother of the child. She becomes pregnant through insemination with sperm from the intended father or a donor. In gestational surrogacy, the situation is different: the surrogate mother carries a baby that has no genetic connection to her. The child is conceived through in vitro fertilization (IVF),2 where eggs from the intended mother or a donor are fertilized by sperm from the intended father or a donor. The resulting embryo is then transferred to the surrogate’s uterus.
In our case, we opted for gestational surrogacy, using my eggs and Kenny’s sperm.
I was disheartened to discover that information on surrogacy in Canada was scant until I stumbled upon an agency in Southern Ontario led by Mary, a woman who had herself walked this path as a surrogate. Our conversations were raw and honest, shedding light on the true costs, legal maze, and myriad of emotions—both challenging and rewarding— that came with surrogacy. Mary’s immense empathy filled me with renewed confidence. I remember asking her, my voice shaky, if we’d ever have another baby. She looked at me with eyes that seemed to have seen countless stories like mine and whispered, “It’s not about if, but when.” In that moment, a fire of determination was kindled within me—one I hadn’t felt in ages.
Kenny and I often lost ourselves in thoughtful conversations about our path forward. There wasn’t any tension or dissent about the expenses or its impact on our financial horizon. Reflecting on those days, a warm gratitude washes over me. I had an equal partner who, without hesitation, handed me the reins to our shared quest for a larger family.
We decided to engage Mary’s services and sought her assistance in finding a gestational surrogate in Ontario. It’s crucial to note that laws and regulations surrounding surrogacy vary significantly by country. Legal complexities can arise concerning the status of the surrogate mother, the rights and responsibilities of the intended parents, and the child’s rights. Surrogacy is legal in Canada but subject to specific regulations. The Assisted Human Reproduction Act (AHRA) and its corresponding regulations govern surrogacy in Canada. According to the AHRA, commercial surrogacy—where money exchanges hands beyond reimbursement for the surrogate’s reasonable expenses—is prohibited. However, it’s important to note that “reasonable expenses” can be a gray area, and many intended parents find ways to adequately compensate their surrogates within the bounds of the law.
Traversing the multifaceted world of fertility in Toronto was overwhelming, and we consulted numerous experts to find the best chance for success. As we committed to this path, we also partnered with a surrogacy attorney, solidifying our resolve. Not all doctors in the city were open to working with gestational surrogates, with legal nuances clouding the practice. Then we met Dr. Lee Crosse. His office, a testament to his many successes, was lined with baby photos and heartfelt thank-you notes. Despite these cheery visuals, the space itself lacked a certain warmth, feeling more like a clinical showcase than a welcoming doctor’s office. However, beyond the aesthetics, it was his conveyance of genuine hope that truly drew us in. Dr. Crosse, often with elusive eyes, presented a demeanor that, in any other situation, might have prompted greater scrutiny. But my sense of desperation was dulled by the confidence he exuded, steering me to lean on his judgment rather than question it.
At the beginning, we often heard the brighter side: stories of triumph, advanced technology, and the allure of guaranteed success. Dr. Crosse made us feel that our path would be smooth, and given that our challenges weren’t rooted in fertility, achievement seemed almost inevitable. But as with any journey, there were layers, subtleties, and truths that perhaps in our eagerness we overlooked. At the time, I didn’t hear about the disparities between reproductive technologies in the United States and Canada. I didn’t know that birth statistics don’t always reflect live birth rates. I didn’t realize that there is no unified governing body in Canada to ensure fertility clinics provide accurate accounts of their actual live birth rates.
Confronting the world of fertility is more than just medical protocols and hopeful stories; it’s a test of spirit and resilience. Nobody prepares you for the sharp, intimate sting of needles as they puncture your skin daily, sometimes multiple times. These injections aren’t just a physical ordeal; they’re laden with hormones meant to boost your egg development, altering not just your body but also your emotional state. They transform your biology. The egg retrieval is clinical, brutally so, and the ache is raw and utterly unyielding. Every suction, every wrench at your ovaries—you don’t just feel it; you grit your teeth and bear it. After all the invasive interventions and the seemingly endless wait, when you’re holding on to every fragment of hope, a negative pregnancy test isn’t just disappointing—it’s a visceral punch. It’s a profound heartbreak that often remains unspoken.
When desperation takes hold, questions tend to fade away, and you simply accept what the doctor tells you, driven by the palpable anguish and the unwavering desire to succeed. Much like my pregnancy with Hannah, I once again placed my trust in another’s expertise, naively accepting every word as gospel. How many times must one repeat a lesson before it truly takes hold? Reflecting on this brings a rueful smile to my face. Without the whirlwind of challenges, heartaches, and hurdles, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Our surrogacy journey, turbulent as it was, feels in hindsight like it was our destined route. And that deep-seated belief endowed it with an immutable sense of fate.
Throughout it all, I maintained a straightforward, unembellished journal. This was an unvarnished, real-time chronicle of our tribulations and aspirations, a document I wanted our children to read one day. It would help them understand the unfiltered love that we have for them, even before their conception. In it, I didn’t hold back—I spilled every frustration, setback, and heartbreak but also the bursts of hope, tenacity, and hard-won victories.
The following italicized excerpts reproduced here have been lightly edited, although the authentic tone stands.
May 30, 2000
If you’re reading this, it means our dream has come true: we’ve succeeded in bringing you into this world. These pages won’t just record events; they’ll capture the optimism, challenges, and undeniable love that have been part of your story from the very start. This is where it begins.
Dearest Reader: What raw, unfiltered narratives are you writing in your own life’s journey?
Alison Beder Solway is a debut author whose work is fueled by her belief that hope is a
brave and deliberate decision. As a fitness expert and founder of ABS Fitness, an online platform dedicated to women’s health and empowerment, Alison is passionate about helping women build strength—both inside and out—at any stage of life. In her memoir, The Miles We Run, she chronicles her deeply personal journey to motherhood through surrogacy and the transformative lessons she gained along the way. These lessons later inspired her as she trained for and completed the New York City Marathon. While these two experiences were vastly different, they were united by themes of perseverance, patience, and resilience.
When she’s not creating content for ABS Fitness or working with clients, Alison enjoys running, cooking, and reading, but her greatest joy comes from spending time with her family.
Learn more at www.themileswerun.com or follow her on Instagram at @themileswerun.
For her fitness platform, visit www.absfitness.ca or follow @absfitnessca.