Tips for Blending Families With Kids Under 5

Blended families are more common than ever before, with nearly 40% of new marriages including at least one person who had been married before. Entering a new, love-filled marriage after a divorce can be a wonderful feeling, but if you are both bringing in children from a previous marriage, there is a lot to consider as you move forward. 

Younger children are more receptive to new people entering their lives, but they have more needs to be met than older children. While older children are beginning to develop their own identities and sense of self, younger children might be more competitive if they feel their parent’s attention being taken away.

If you love your new partner, and you are both bringing your children together in a loving way, the transition will be easier. Even so, this is a big change for everyone involved. Consider this advice when you begin the process of blending your families.  

Do Not Make Too Many Changes At Once

As an adult, you understand that change is a common and necessary part of the world. You expect change especially in a situation where you get married for a second time. Your children do not have the same life experiences that you do but they are still people with thoughts and feelings.

As a parent, you deserve happiness, but your children deserve to feel comfortable as well. Too much change can overwhelm your young children making this transition more difficult than it already would be. 

As tumultuous as a divorce can be for you, you have lived in a world without your previous partner. Your child has only ever known a world in which their parents are together. Give your children time to adjust to the new world in which they live.

It is recommended that you do not get married within two years after a divorce. Allow your children to adjust and understand what a life with divorced parents means for them, before thrusting them into a situation with a new parent and new siblings.

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Your children are going through a major change in their lives. Their parents are no longer together, they are meeting new people, they are potentially moving to a new house. It can all be very overwhelming for young children who do not have much concept of the world around them.

Your role as a parent to guide them through life as best as you can. In this situation, that means listening to and acknowledging their feelings. You have to put in the work with your children so that they continue to feel loved as you begin to share your love with a new family. Your children could feel hurt or neglected as you make this transition. Reach out to them frankly and honestly. Tell them that you will always be there for them, and mean it. 

Let Them Meet First

If you have a strong enough relationship with someone that you want to get married to each other, you are agreeing to a complete joining of both of your lives, that includes your children. You may have met your partner’s children before, perhaps you visited their house and had a friendly conversation. 

Before making the step of fully blending your families, allow the young children to develop their relationships with their new step-siblings. While they are living separate lives, these relationships can develop naturally. It is easier to build this relationship positively while the children live separately than it would be to force two sets of strangers to live together. 

Build Your Relationships

Just because you have changed from a friend and playmate to a caregiver and disciplinarian, does not mean you cannot have a strong relationship with your partner’s children.  You need to build your relationship with your partner’s children to make them comfortable with this change from a playmate to a caregiver. As you respect their feelings, they will respect your new position.

Just as with any relationship, find common ground with your partner’s children. It is important and acceptable to build a relationship with your new step-children that is independent of your relationship with your partner. Include the children from both families in activities that you all enjoy to foster a positive experience as you all move into this new stage of your lives.

Your Changing Role

When blending your families, you have to think about the wellbeing of your children, but keep in mind that you are also building a new relationship with your partner’s children. If you are at the point where you are planning to get married, you have probably met and begun a relationship with your partner’s children, but that relationship will change when you blend your families.

If you do not live with your partner and their children, the children will have a different perception of you. You may fill a role as more of a playmate than a caregiver before you marry your partner, and young children might not understand how or why this might change. 

When you only interact with your partner’s children occasionally, you might not have to worry about feeding them, caring for them when they are sick, or disciplining them when they misbehave. Though you may have this experience with your children, these new children might not understand why you suddenly scold them when they do something bad. 

However, you and your partner should not raise your own children individually. Blending your families means agreeing to take on the responsibility of caring for your partner’s children.

You Do Not Have to Choose

People have an overwhelming capacity to love and want to share that love. If you won custody of your children, you have a large amount of love to share with them. If you go through a divorce, meet someone new, and want to marry them, you have even more love to give. You do not have to choose who gets your love, so do not let your loved ones make you.

There is a lot to juggle when you are blending two families with young children. Relationships and responsibilities change, but if you have found happiness with your partner, your children will see that and be happy for you. Keep these tips in mind as you begin the process of blending your families, and you will find a smooth transition and a loving new family unit.

Veronica Baxter is a blogger and legal assistant living and working in the great city of Philadelphia. She frequently works with Chad Boonswang, Esq., a national life insurance attorney.