Acceptance Over Expectations (and drinking kombucha in a field of wild flowers) by Adri Pearce

A few months ago I read an article about how Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge, had publically stated, that SHOUTING was banned in her household. She had a no “shouting rule”. That is amazing, another “perfect’ element to add to her perfect persona, her perfect hair, and amazingly perfect figure and wardrobe. Of course, she is a human being like the rest of us, who isn’t perfect, who has to be in the world and live her life, except unlike you and me, most of her life, her parenting and sad to say her appearance, is being scrutinized, being judged on a momentous scale. I wonder what sort of expectations she puts on herself when she has so many other people’s expectations on her shoulders?

I wonder how this is playing out in real life? Is there shouting behind closed doors, away from the nanny’s, the royal staff? And would this make her a lesser parent? How many expectations do we place on ourselves each and every day as parents and what happens when we don’t meet these?

I am at the stage where my two children Miss four and Mr six are fighting, shouting, and whining A LOT. It really takes its toll on my psyche, day after day. When else in life would these feelings of frustration boil to the surface? Not even at work in the most stressful of situations, would you feel these intense feelings that fighting kids can evoke. I am learning, so are they. We all are. There are all sorts of hints and tips on the internet to deal with this of course; walk away, count to ten before you respond. We all handle things that the best we can in the moment. One thing I have learned is I am not an angry shouty mum, I am human. Once I let go of the expectations, of my response I felt calmer. I felt more in control. It is ok to show real emotions, but try to harness these in a loving and peaceful way.

We all can’t float around in Byron Bay with our Spell dresses on drinking organic kombucha in a field of wild flowers, while our children dance and laugh and we are at peace with the world. Ok so sometimes I do fantasize about being a zen mamma in Byron, but I am swiftly knocked back to reality, usually by a sock or some other object slapping me in the face from my kids. And if you are reading this in Byron (lucky you), but I am sure the kids are still shouting there!

Expectations come in many forms for all of us. They even come in the form of our past and future selves. Remember the time before kids, when you swore you would never step foot in one of those germ-ridden play cafes? Or what about how you confessed to your husband while at a dinner party, that when you had kids you would never lie down with your kids until they fell asleep (like the host does with her kids). No sugar for the first year of life ring a bell? Or how you would never let your children watch an ipad while out to dinner (what bad manners). These are all future expectations. Then there are well-meaning family and friends, like the comments from your mother-in-law about how you keep your house, or the opinions of your friend that you are working too much and not being present with your kids. But the worst expectations and the most damaging are the ones we place on ourselves. Expectations can lead to disappointment. We all want to be happy and so we project thoughts about the future. We all have been guilty of the “when I syndrome”, “when I get that new job I will be happy”, “when I date that guy I will be happy”, “when my baby is out of the newborn stage I will be happier”. Whatever it may be we know happiness needs to be content with the present moment, but it is tricky. Psychologists are the first to point out that anxiety occurs when you are projecting and worrying about the future.

Of course, expectations can also be positive and motivating, but if you have expectations for your future and you don’t meet them, then you are disappointed and sometimes this can even lead to resentment. Now I am no psychologist but I have seen first hand the dangerous and unrealistic notion of expectations, especially in motherhood. I read this quote recently and it really resonated with me;

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportions to my expectations.” (Annonymous).

I think we all need to stop scrolling socials comparing and then projecting unrealistic expectations onto ourselves. I know it is hard as parents not to do this, and we are all guilty of some projections and big expectations from time to time, but we need to do more to break down this stigma of “the perfect parent”. We need to talk more about our challenges so we don’t feel so alone but more so that we find peace in our own mind and not hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations! We are human we are learning and we are enough. 

Adrianna Pearce is a mum to two children, a dreamer, and an ocean and coffee lover. She Co-founds a Not for Profit in Adelaide, that connects people for friendship across generations. She is passionate about branding that gets to the essence of people’s passion and purpose in business with her branding agency Muse Creative. To follow her family adventures on Instagram @gypsyheartadventures