How To Transition From Co Sleeping by Kristy Griffiths
Hey there Mama,
Are you co sleeping but finding that your bed is now becoming a little too crowded? Are you wanting to make the transition to a cot or bed? Well, I am here to help guide you and your little one on what can be an emotional journey for some. My name is Kristy and I am a Mama to 3 beautiful girls, child and infant sleep consultant and owner of The Sleep Teacher.
Whether you are co sleeping out of choice or pure sleep deprivation, either way it's something you have been doing because it worked for YOU and YOUR family. Now, for one reason or another, the time has come to help your little one make the transition into their own bed.This can be a daunting time for a lot of families as they often fear the grief and emotion that will come with it.
Don’t worry Mama this is so normal and expected.
But, I do want you to ask yourself, “Am I making this transition because I am ready to?” Or are you only doing this because you feel pressured to? Its really important to address your emotions in this, because if it is not something you are ready to do then you will more than likely not be consistent with this, and it may make things a lot harder for both you and your child, which is definitely not what we want.
In my experience, when working with clients, I am often told that you will “just know” when it's time. If this is you, then please read on as I am here to share with you our tips for making the transition as seamless as possible for both you and your baby.
* First things first, this is going to need to be a very gradual and respectful transition. There is no quick fix, your little one only knows what they know because they have learned this over a period of time, so we need to be mindful it will take a short period of time to unlearn this. Patience is going to be your best friend.
* It's important to ensure you have a nice consistent bedtime routine in place well before trying to make the transition from co sleeping. Again, this will help lessen the protest when we try to introduce change, as we will be keeping the wind-down routine exactly the same. If you do not currently have a wind-down routine in place then I would recommend introducing one consistently for a few weeks before starting to make the transition. A wind-down routine doesn’t necessarily need to be lengthy, it just needs to be consistent. Sure, as your little one grows and enters toddlerhood the wind-down routine will need to be a little longer to include storytime and the one hundred and one questions that our little ones need answered at bedtime, but for a baby under 12 months it may only be 10mins, for a toddler it could be 15-20. It may include bath time, milk, story or song, getting into a sleeping bag, saying goodnight to the stars, turning off the lights, and saying your goodnight phrase, whatever it is, ensure it isn’t stimulating and just ensure it is consistent. Start this wind-down routine in the room where you want your little one to fall asleep.
* Try to avoid making the transition at a time when there is already a lot of change going on, i.e.: starting daycare or introducing a new sibling, (you can read our tips for introducing a new sibling here. These are already HUGE changes for a little person so we need to respect this and wait until this has settled down. If you are expecting another baby and wanting your child to be in their own bed by the time the baby arrives, then I would recommend making this transition well before baby arrives. A new baby + a new bed = a very big transition.
* Help them become familiar with their new sleep environment, spend lots of awake time in their new room. If they seem to have some fear or anxieties about going into their cot or new bed, then try playing some fun games in their cot with some soft toys or a game peek-a-boo whilst you are engaging and reassuring them. Try this for a few days, then once they are comfortable going in the cot, try allowing your little one to play in their cot by themselves whilst you sit on their floor folding washing, or something similar that allows you to still be in the room, but also giving your little one some space to become comfortable with being in their cot. This part will be really important for a bub who has been co sleeping purely because that's the only way their parents can get some sleep. Often in this instance, they have resorted to co sleeping out of desperation because their little one cries or screams when being placed in the cot, this is not what any Mama wants to hear. So by laying some groundwork first and getting them comfortable with going into their cot for a play in the daylight, this will make it much easier when the time comes to help them transition into their cot for a sleep.
* If you have a little one who suffers from separation anxiety (this is extremely common around 18months) you might find our blog post on this helpful with addressing this prior to making the changes.
* Something I want you to understand and be continually mindful through this transition that crying, for a child is a completely normal and healthy way of communicating and expressing their feelings. Your little one more than likely will cry at some point, but this doesn't mean that are hurt or in pain, this is their way of expressing their objection to change. Which is why we have to take this slowly. Obviously, we want to also make sure before starting the wind-down routine that all their physical needs have been met, fed, clean, not in any pain or discomfort then I would be really consistent with the below settling approach. You will need to use a lot of vocal reassurance as well as physical touch to help comfort and guide them through this change. Try some calm, reassuring words like “its ok baby, Mummy’s here to help you, I am not going anywhere, it's ok baby”. Be honest and communicate this with your child, regardless of age. Also remember too, as long as you are calm and zen, then your little one will pick up on this. The same goes if we start to second guess ourselves and seem unsure, our bub will start to feel unsure also.
Below you will find the steps I recommend for making the transition as seamless and gentle as possible. One piece of advice from me to you Mama, this may feel hard at times but remember you can do this, your little one is safe and loved and you are right there with them. Consistency is going to be your best friend, once you make the change, remain consistent and you will see changes.
Days 1-3: Place a mattress on the floor next to your little one's cot. You and your little one can safely co-sleep here (read red noses safe sleep guidelines for co sleeping here.
Days 4-6: Your little one will tonight sleep in their own cot and you will sleep on the mattress next to the cot. Remember you can use as much touch or vocal reassurance that you need to help keep your child comfortable and secure. The goal is to get them to sleep in their own bed, regardless of how much touch and vocal reassurance you need to use.
Days 7-9: Stay on the mattress until they fall asleep and then sleep in your own bed. If they wake overnight and need reassuring go back to the mattress and resettle, leaving once asleep.
Days 10-12: Replace the mattress with a cushion on their floor using the same approach as above. (this is going to help us slowly slide the cushion out of the room without it being too noticeable).
Days 13-15: Move the cushion 1 meter away from the cot and try to only use vocal reassurance and proximity now.
Days 16-19: Move it another meter away from the cot and try some shushing. By this point your little one should be comfortable in their cot, it is now more about the need for them knowing you are still close by that we need to meet.
Days 20-22: Move the cushion to the doorway and now offer the occasional vocal reassurance if needed.
Days 23-25: You should now be outside of your little one's room and only needing to open the door and respond when needed. Always use your maternal instinct on this, if you feel something is not right and your little one is upset then go in and reassure. If they are just having a grizzle or little chit-chat to themselves, they may just be winding down and need that space to settle, you know your little one better than anyone else so it's important you be the judge on this.
* Lastly, I want you to remember that it's important to acknowledge your feelings in this too Mama, go easy on yourself as you make the transition, and remember you can still enjoy those cuddles anytime you want.
Big love, Kristy x
Kristy Griffiths is a mama of 3, who loves sleep and helps families sleep better worldwide. You can find out more about Kristy and free sleep tricks and tips at The Sleep Teacher or also on her Instagram @thesleepteacher